Learning to Balance

Hi friends.

Back at it with the blog posts, and I mean I am really going to try harder this semester to get on here more often and throw some cool recipes and meaningful moments your way! I appreciate all of you who follow me, and for those who have just discovered my blog, welcome!

I’ve been a busy little bee over here once the semester started, and while it can be slightly (HA! slightly…) stressful, I’m learning to love being busy and eating up the empty time I have in-between my classes to study and be a part of more things here on my campus. I’m also starting my training for a half marathon this spring with my run club and I am OVERLY EXCITED FOR THAT (!!!!!!!!!!).

While all seems peachy, I’ve had some struggles this semester once again, and instead of hiding them I’d like to share what I’m experiencing and potentially help others who may be in the same boat as I am.

I touched on this last semester, but I am still struggling to find a happy medium here with food intake and how I respect my body. Unfortunately, I’ve reached some spells of negativity and found myself having a very hard time being in touch with my inner self. Not something I thought I’d be experiencing, as I was so excited to leave for college; but none the less, it is not something you can ignore or hide. It is what it is and this made me decide that my new year’s resolution was to move away from the eating habits I’ve developed and live more fully without dwelling on the past. It’s been a journey so far, and no, it is not easy to break habits I’ve built up…. but I guess I’m working on it.

Why do I bring this up?

I need to learn to balance things in my life better than I have, and I think that is something a lot of people can relate to. We (as in most of us) are constantly stuck in a fixed mindset that tells us right from wrong. In some cases, that’s great! You can’t go stealing things from Whole Foods! But in other cases, it may be apart of our demise. For myself, I know that is completely true, and it was very hard to come to terms with that.

I believe that my fixed mindset is a HUGE factor in why sometimes when the pizza comes out, I eat a lot more than feels okay in my body. I am constantly living in this world where I feel I need to be healthy ALL. THE. TIME. And then when I break that “rule”? Shit. Let’s get all the food down in one bite and go for more!

Let me tell you, that is NOT fun, and is NOT the way I have ever approached food. I love food, and I want to have a healthy relationship with it.

I guess here’s my point for this post: learn to love yourself and learn that every once in awhile it is okay to let go. A lot of times I feel like we get wrapped up in different things that surround us. The media, people who live near us, goals… and it’s hard when we feel like we aren’t perfect… But…. News Flash: we are not perfect. It is time to accept that. It is time we find a good balance. It is time that we love ourselves for even those small things we hate and it is time that we embrace body and mindful peace.

A challenge: break that “fixed mindset” once a day. See how good it feels, and try to incorporate it more. My goal? Leave it in the past for good. But for now, once a day seems reasonable.

Oh, and remember, balance your life, but also your relationship with food. Healthy, and not so healthy.

‘Cause pizza is reallllll good.

 

Surviving Semester One

The end of the semester is coming around the corner *cheers dramatically*.

College, unfortunately, is not some walk in the park and I think we’ve all come to figure that out as we began our journey almost three months ago. The stress levels are killer, you have to unlock the bathroom door every time, and your favorite shower is almost always taken.

Don’t get me wrong, though, although it’s stressful, it’s a blast all in one. The people you meet and the experiences you have are incredible; and I can finally say that I feel like I’m really getting into the swing of things. With studying and buddying, college is a whole whirl wind of things going on. For someone like me who prides as a creature of habit most days, this can be freakin’ overwhelming.

The first month and a half, I struggled hard here at Iowa State. My eating was off, I could barely sleep, and the thing I thought about most was when my family was coming to visit me. I often sat there, eating junk food thinking “I wish I had my kitchen and my two dogs”. My running was depleted and I felt like the joy I had coming to college was smothered by this sadness.

I woke up, then, and realized; I am in the time of my life. Sure, residence halls blow, and hair balls in the bathroom are killer, but I am on my way to becoming what I want to be when I grow up. I am surrounded by people struggling JUST LIKE ME. So why the pity party? At this moment, I felt like I grew up and now I’ve put together an awesome lists of ways YOU can survive your first or second semester too. Because no one deserves to be unhappy; you gotta live and you gotta live NOW!

1. Find your hobby

Whether it be running, drawing, biking, reading, laying in a field; find something you love to do that can distract you when times are getting tough. A major component of overcoming stress and even sadness sometimes, is to spark a little joy by doing a favorite thing.

2. Use that hobby, and find others that do the same

I cannot stress this enough; finding people who are involved in your similar interests can rock your world more than you think. In high school maybe you had clubs or sports you participated in daily and now you feel detached because college is so big and what if I don’t have those great things? Good news, bud. There’s tons of people interested in the same things you are. Get out there, join that club or sport and hang out with cool people that you can connect with on a level other friends may not be able to. For me, I found run club and culinary club. Obsessed with both, and the people bring me MAJOR joy.

3. Make friends with people on your floor or in your building

It is so scary coming into a place you don’t know anyone, and sometimes, you feel alone. The thing is, there are tons of people “feeling alone”- therefore, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I remember my first night here I went to bed and was like “oh my god I am friendless and no one is here for me help me, MOM COME BACK!”. Then, the next day I went to dinner with my floor and I met some of my greatest friends here on campus. It involved capture the flag and an accidental butt grab; but hey, I have friends now!

All I can say is having people close to you that can share a friendship is something you will need, especially when a homesickness feel hits and you can’t survive without an immediate hug.

4. Hit up Group fitness classes

Every person and their mother is going to tell you to “WORKOUT” because freshman 15 and all that jazz. Sure, weight gain is NOT fun (lol, me! it’s okay- you will probably experience it; it’s a part of life!), but it’s not irreversible and it isn’t some initiation into college. Something to utilize, especially if you aren’t into working out alone, is group fitness. There are SO many classes you can take, ranging from cardio cycling to yoga to belly dance.  I utilize the yoga classes at least twice a week, and it’s great to feel motivated by others to get in some good exercise. Even if you like to work out on your own, like me, these classes are just fun!

5. Journal

Every single day, I start my morning with writing 25 daily gratitudes. I cannot tell you the difference this has made in my life here. In the beginning, I was struggling with binge eating to comfort me (not a good thing to do!), and then I felt sad and terrible more than I would like to. Then, one morning, I decided that this was not something I wanted, and I forced myself to write 25 things I was happy about that day. From that day, I had continued this and I have been BINGE FREE! I’m not some miracle cure, but just someone who needed to remember that there is good in my life, and I shouldn’t throw away the progress I made from my previous eating disorder.

 

Get cute pencils from eathealthydesigns.com !!!

Journaling is the key to opening up when you just can’t speak. I’m almost on journal number two! Another great thing to do is to write down all your fun adventures. You can look back and smile when you think of all the crazy things you’ve done!

6. Seek help

Whether it be from a tutor or a therapist, if you are struggling, do not fear to reach out to someone. As I stated above, I struggled with my eating and I have now found myself with a therapy appointment on Thursday mornings. It was scary at first, but I realized that to better myself, I needed the extra help. This goes for classes, too. If chemistry doesn’t click with you, don’t ride the semester out feeling down and unworthy of a good grade; ask for help! There are so many tutors available, as well as review sessions for tests!

7. Be you

This is cheesy, but just be yourself. No one can be cool as the real you, and the great thing about college is that there are so many people just like you that have the same interests and even the same humor. Don’t change who you are.

 

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I hope this post on semester one survival tips was helpful because these were some things that really helped me ride out this semester. I still have a few weeks to go, but I’m ending this semester feeling like Emily again, and I only wish to bring that to other people that may be roughing it their first months of this newness. Let me know if you ever need anything, or have more tips on how to survive!

STUDY FOR YOUR FINALS!

New Challenges, A New Perspective.

Boy, do I wish I could be posting some killer cooked recipe that I made while at home. Unfortunately, that is VERY unrealistic here in the lovely residence halls of Iowa State! And s unfortunate as it is and though the amount I am missing my kitchen is quite incredible, I am currently LOVING college. Yes, it is kicking my butt; but I am truly enjoying myself each day.

As a new college kid, and someone who has struggled with anxiety and an eating disorder, newness is a freaky situation to me. I am a very routine individual, and because that gets off, it gives me stress like no other. I love being relaxed, yet when your life changes so drastically, it can be very, VERY scary. Especially when social eating is not something I have been used to, as well as not having the beautiful option of cooking all my favorite things at the drop of a hat (I’m looking’ at you crispy sweet potato wedges!!!).

I have been scared here, and I am sure that there are many other individuals feeling the same way I am; trying to balance recovery as well as living a normal young adult life.

Working’ on the social eating!

I spoke a few posts ago about my eating and how it has changed since being here. It’s been a process, but I am beginning to get a better grip on the excessive eating. It’s tricky to explain, but each day I take time to evaluate how I am feeling and what’s going on. I’m not saying it’s perfect- PUH LEASE!- in fact, just the other night I ate a ton, and felt like a pile of crap afterwards, but what I’m saying is that if you are struggling, you can make it, too.

When this all started, I was so afraid. I hated it every second, and it happened more often than not. I found myself seeing others eat things I didn’t even want, yet I felt pressured to succumb and eat what I didn’t have on my plate already. But I’ve realized that this is not making me happy. Following my values is not hard. It is a choice I enjoy, and sometimes, I forget that. I forget that I cannot be everyone else. I should not be embarrassed about being human, about being someone who enjoys broccoli or gets excited about almond milk. I should not be embarrassed to be an Emily.

Emily and Emily for lunch?

I began to open up, and now I am finding happiness quite often.

I believe that everyone has the ability to find this balance in college; and I am excited for the day where I can say I am completely balanced here. For now, I wanted to share my journey, what I’m learning here in Iowa, and how I am getting closer to the real me. For now, remember that you too can embrace change.

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Making Changes

So recently, I’ve been adapting a “vegetarian lifestyle”. One I’ve loved, one that I secretly promoted, and one that I only started at the beginning of the summer due to a past scare with my anorexia being promoted by the weight loss I had while I was a vegetarian.

Now with starting school, things have been a lot different than they’ve been in the past.

As I stated in my post about what’s been going on, my eating has been all over the place; weird cravings, full bellies and a lot of discomfort. I did a reevaluation of myself, and decided that I really needed to start looking at what I’ve been eating, and what I can do to stop the crazy food intakes that happen too frequently.

Here at school, there are not many options for vegetarians, let alone running vegetarians who need the right nutrients ALL the time. For the past weeks, I’ve been consuming the same things over and over and over again- which isn’t healthy for my body, either.

I’ve decided to reintroduce some meats into my diet for right now, and then when I return home for breaks I can practice vegetarianism as much as I want, as I’ll have access to all I need. It makes me upset, but at the same time, I need to listen to my head- meaning that I need the variety right now.

I wanted to make this post just so people knew and weren’t surprised if I posted something with meat. I still am a huge advocate for animals and love them to death. I’m also making sure that what I consume is well-treated and fed meat. Gotta have respect.

For now, I need to help myself until things can calm down and I can figure out my whole ordeal.

A Girl Uncovered: Revisiting Summer and Now

Week one of college is officially over.

I think I can actually say I’m a college student now, and to me, that’s pretty neat considering I’ve been dreaming of this opportunity for a long time. It’s been a transition for sure, but one I’m really starting to enjoy.

But before I embark on this four year adventure, I wanted to revisit something that’s bothered me over the summer; something I’ve come across here at my campus this first week; and something I plan on working on to better myself once again.

I preach balance, and for months on end, I lived it in the best way possible. Unfortunately this summer, I came across a road of late-night food shoveling and some nasty times of eating way too much; and continuing because I already dabbled in it. I don’t want to label it bingeing, but to some extent I think I am or was. And that concerned me deeply.

Yet I couldn’t change my habits. It was hard and I found myself really feeling bad about what I was doing with my food. I love food, and here I felt as though I had begun to abuse it again, just in a different way than I did two years ago.

My main thoughts that provoked it were probably due to emotional and stress problems leading up to such a big change in my life. At points, I’d think- “this is okay because I had a bad day” or “I’m stressed so… ben and jerry’s?”. These thoughts are far from what I preach, and as the summer had begun to end, I really was upset by how it played out.

I want to make something clear as I continue. I don’t see this as a “oh god I’m going to get fat” problem. As a girl who has learned to respect and love her body, I want to be far away from that type of thinking. It creates a problem, though, when I respect my body so much, yet push my stomach to limits and eat foods that hurt my system because I don’t know how to control it. That’s where my problems arise.

I took a lot of time to evaluate this before I even thought about posting; but I know many young people and older people alike struggle at some points with this. As a kid now going into college, I wanted to offer what I’m doing to help the situation. In no way am I a professional. But I am a human.

I first looked at what’s been going on, and that’s a lot. I’m moving away from home, leaving friends and family, encountering new obstacles with food, fast meals, fast times… yada yada. Then I came up with what I think I need to do.

1. Journal when emotions and stressors come into play. This is HUGE! It gives you a moment to pep talk or to hash out feelings you may throw other places.
2. Evaluate how I’m feeling and why I feel the need to reach for food.
3. Enjoy what I’m eating; and not think about when it will be gone or how I would want more.
4. Start preparing and trying new things. Being in a rut causes your body to have more cravings than normal.
5. Honor my cravings with healthier options, that way when I do reach for a “treat” or a “balanced” type meal, it feels good. Not bad.

I’m hoping I can make it work because I truly love the life of balance and I can’t wait to find it again. Let me know if there’s any questions or concerns you ever need answered and remember…

 

Balance is key.

 

Change and Moving Forward

Hey everyone!

It’s been incredibly long since I’ve posted, but it’s due to good things coming into play. Life has been full of hustle and bustle; grad parties on the weekends, full days of work during the week, and of course long runs, cooking and baking…. what else can you expect!

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, and it has to deal with changes coming into play as I begin my journey moving forward into college, as well as life after college. I’m leaving home, and am starting to walk down the path of what I may do for the rest of my life; and that’s incredibly scary! But while it’s scary, it’s also incredibly exciting and I can’t wait to share my view on change.

How I Found Balance

I’ve been wanting to write a post on balance for quite some time, yet I never took the time to actually begin it…

As a health food advocate, I practice it everyday. Whether this be making sure to get my greens and fruits in every day, or focus on no processed items, each day of the week I go to bed happy with my health.

But, I have not always been someone that has preached this message, and unfortunately it took me a long time to get here.

A few years ago, I was an excessive eater. I ate at any moment food was available to me, no matter if I was hungry or not. This, unfortunately cause a lot of weight gain to occur, and by freshman year, I was miserable. Yet, I had no idea how to change what was going on in my life.

On the left, just before I started my “health” kick.

I opened up to my mom, reaching out after we went to the doctor who told me that my weight was a little over what it should be. We started to work on eating healthier, and maybe try to add some light exercise, as entering high school I gave up my sports of soccer and softball.

Unfortunately, I took losing weight to an extreme. It started slow for sure, and I was doing what I thought was right by consuming “diet” foods that led into skipping meals… I ran three times a week, and then converted to just doing the elliptical and treadmill at the gym because I could then see the calories I burned to an “exact amount”.
Slipping into an eating disorder and exercise obsession is a very touchy and uncomfortable experience for a lot of reasons; one being that your relationship with food is never the same. Instead of seeing food as fuel, I saw it as a monster that would ruin the physique I had built up. Yet, as I continued to avoid it, the body I once had, was slipping away. In it’s place, protruded ribs, frail hair and little muscle.

By the time the next Spring had hit, I weighed so little that sometimes, my head would spin from a small movement. I barely could focus on anything besides the food I would consume, and running was out of the question. It was unfortunate to watch things I worked so hard for dissipate so quickly, yet I had no idea how to get my life back.

At a very low weight, being social was hard as I rarely wanted to be around people

For a start, I began therapy and working with a dietitian. To say that was easy is a complete lie, and I did NOT do well at first, by any means! It took months for me to even get close to gaining weight, yet when I did and I started to stretch my comfort zone, my life began falling back into place. Slowly but surely.

The year of recovery I went through helped me development the passion I now have for health, wellness and BALANCE. Yes, BALANCE! My favorite word ever! (can you tell??) Each week, I worked on what I could eat and how I could build up the body I wanted by opening my eyes to the amazing world of food and nutrition. I started to see food as this beautiful thing: Whole foods, no diet products, and freaking great tasting stuff that made me happy. This led ME to happiness, and although I’m not perfect, it’s the start of a beautiful life.

 

She gon’ get you girl! Run for the nutbutter!

I started to eat better meals, develop a love and passion for food and now, am a FOODIE! Not only that, but the food I consume fuels some pretty great runs, as well.

Now, what is my definition of balance… well, you see, balance to me is honoring your cravings and enjoying your life WITHOUT the need to constantly revolve around the food you are consuming. Example: If I have a smoothie for breakfast, and avocado toast for lunch, but later I want a dang big bowl of red lentil pasta covered in almond milk cheese, I’m a-okay with that. What I mean is that a lot of people focus on OMG CARBS!-which is not a bad thing- but, I prefer to listen to what my body wants. If one day I skip weights at the gym and take my dogs for a walk, I will not combust into a pile of ash.

Healthy living is taking the time to care about you. It’s about taking care of yourself, giving the essentials necessary for your life to continue on. And the thing is, life is far too short to consume your everyday with being PERFECT. No one is perfect, and there will not be a day when a perfect individual comes along. The best you can do is to live your life happy and healthy. I learned to love whole foods, take my nutrition seriously; but when my friends call me up to grab froyo or Tasty Treat ice cream, I’m not going to flip because it isn’t organic.

What I’m trying to say is that to love your body, you have to trust your body. The same goes for yourself. Trust your instincts, and stick to the values YOU believe in. This is what balance is. Focus on you, and I promise, the rest will fall into place as it should.

 

My Start to Healthy

For all who follow my Instagram, it shows that I’ve come a long way from where my first posts started. And for all that don’t, I was diagnosed with anorexia two years ago; a challenge that stems from a sad attempt at working to eat healthier, and get in shape.

Unfortunately, my way of getting healthier took a turn for the worst, and I ended up losing more weight than I had ever imagined. To give an estimate, I went from being around 145 lbs to around 84. It was definitely a scary time in my life, and even now looking back, I cannot believe I let myself submit to a disorder like that. But while this was traumatic, experiencing this disorder changed who I was; now shaping me into the person I am today, starting this blog thing for the first (successful!) time.

 

By having an eating disorder, and reinventing the human I needed to be, I learned a lot about certain values in my life; and the ability to be healthy was one of them. When I was at a heavier weight, I longed to feel good, to feel secure and strong; yet I never thought I could eat or treat myself in a healthy way that I could control. That’s one of the reasons I feel as though I experienced my eating disorder; I didn’t know when to stop or what was safe as I had never had the chance to find out what a healthy lifestyle was.

After I began my recovery, I realized that I needed to make solid changes in my life so that I could pursue this healthy life I had always dreamed of. Basically, this is where I began going crazy on Insta, following everyone and their mother who deemed themselves health related.

At first, it  was a bit tricky to understand, and I ended up following a lot of people that used the words “cheat day”, “IIFYM”, and almost degrading sentences about their meals when they weren’t “100% clean”. This led me to believe that I needed to follow this path of eating “clean” and having specific moments where I would cheat. Not a good idea for someone who has a problem with control. Definitely as interesting process of trying to figure out what actually was good for me…