Why Wait?

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted.

So much has happened the past year, mainly with college and gaining more responsibilities than I can handle. But not only have I gained a lot of responsibilities, but I’ve gained a lot of weight.

Yeah, I did just openly admit to gaining weight. Not your typical success story.

As many of you know, I struggled with anorexia my sophomore year. I worked hard at my recovery, gained the weight I needed and I thought that I had made it. I felt like I had succeeded and  found that I was happy for some time. But I think we all know that life is not just one up hill ride, continuing to rocket into happiness.

I began worrying about how healthy all the food was that I ate. Friends thought that it was funny that I’d only eat healthy, my parents had to deal with me turning away things due to ingredients and I often found myself back to a place where I felt uncomfortable eating just anything. While my diet was healthy, my mind really wasn’t and unfortunately, I didn’t let anyone know.

As this went on, I began to indulge in small things here and there, and by the time I got to college, I was beginning to only indulge in these things when I could eat larger amounts than I wanted. If you’re beginning to see another eating disorder pattern, you deserve a prize because that’s what happened! Binge eating and bulimia became my new friend as I used my running to compensate for the amounts of sugary and fatty foods I would eat that were so “out of range” for my diet.

Through this year, I have gained almost 40 pounds due to my binge eating disorder. And through this, I’ve had countless times where I’ve thought of ending my life. I look back at old pictures. I compare myself to those around me. And there is not a day where I don’t call myself “fat”.

Why am I sharing this? Why am I telling you that I am struggling and that sometimes I wish my life was over and that I don’t like the way I look?

Because it deserves to be heard NOW.

So often, people struggle. But more often than not, the woes of struggle come out after someone has gotten the help; after the person feels confident; after they learn to love themselves or even find some joy in the day. I’m not at that point right now and I think  there are many others like me who want their story shared as it is happening, but are too afraid to come out and say it.

I’m braving it because I’m sick and tired of pretending that I am such a positive person. I want to be transparent. I want others to know that they are not alone in their fight; whether it be with an eating disorder, depression, anxiety or even just a hard day. I fight all these things and I fight them NOW.

When I read on after thoughts, I always think “how did they get there?”, “Why can’t I just be happy like they ended up?” “How did she or he do it?”. So from now on, no after thoughts.

I am posting here today. I am present in this fight to beat depression and binge eating, and I will continue to do so. I

I want to struggle along with others and I want to be honest about how I am. I want to continue to document the fight, I want to recount my journey and I want people to be able to log on each day, and see that there is someone else fighting along with them. I think I owe that to the followers I have gained, my family and friends who continually support me and others who struggle every day.

Thank you for being here for me, and thank you for your continued support as I continue on in this journey to truly find who I am and reach happiness in this beautiful life I have been given.