For all who follow my Instagram, it shows that I’ve come a long way from where my first posts started. And for all that don’t, I was diagnosed with anorexia two years ago; a challenge that stems from a sad attempt at working to eat healthier, and get in shape.
Unfortunately, my way of getting healthier took a turn for the worst, and I ended up losing more weight than I had ever imagined. To give an estimate, I went from being around 145 lbs to around 84. It was definitely a scary time in my life, and even now looking back, I cannot believe I let myself submit to a disorder like that. But while this was traumatic, experiencing this disorder changed who I was; now shaping me into the person I am today, starting this blog thing for the first (successful!) time.
By having an eating disorder, and reinventing the human I needed to be, I learned a lot about certain values in my life; and the ability to be healthy was one of them. When I was at a heavier weight, I longed to feel good, to feel secure and strong; yet I never thought I could eat or treat myself in a healthy way that I could control. That’s one of the reasons I feel as though I experienced my eating disorder; I didn’t know when to stop or what was safe as I had never had the chance to find out what a healthy lifestyle was.
After I began my recovery, I realized that I needed to make solid changes in my life so that I could pursue this healthy life I had always dreamed of. Basically, this is where I began going crazy on Insta, following everyone and their mother who deemed themselves health related.
At first, it was a bit tricky to understand, and I ended up following a lot of people that used the words “cheat day”, “IIFYM”, and almost degrading sentences about their meals when they weren’t “100% clean”. This led me to believe that I needed to follow this path of eating “clean” and having specific moments where I would cheat. Not a good idea for someone who has a problem with control. Definitely as interesting process of trying to figure out what actually was good for me…
Why did I “deserve” ice cream on one day, and not the next? For months, I’d have a special day where I’d allow myself a certain amount of ice cream, but only if it was on that day, or matched my plan. After awhile, I realized this was a bit ridiculous considering no human is perfect, and damn it, if I wanted my froyo or dark chocolate on a Thursday instead of a Tuesday, who was actually telling me no? NO FREAKING ONE.
This another realization I came to; I was not “recovered” as I claimed to be. I still struggled so much to have any type of balance in my life, and I rarely could function if safe things were not surrounding me.
I took it upon myself to start opening more horizons. I stopped looking to body conscious Instagrams that made me make comparisons constantly. With conscious effort, I’d eat ice cream on the “wrong days” or after an incredibly indulgent meal to feel what normal was. It was a hardship at first, but it was necessary. I had gone from anorexia to slight orthorexia, and that was just not okay.
After months of working to find a healthy fit, I became so much happier as I embraced a life of balance. I finally had running in my life again (I’m a new cross country and track athlete, friends!), I ate the foods my body wanted and NEEDED, and my relationships bloomed, as I finally stopped obsessing over the right amount of health in my life.
And here I am today, blogging away, livin’ life. All because of balance.
balancing positive strides 